This time six months ago, I’d just been discharged from hospital. I was tired, weak and fragile. The flu had decimated my white blood cells and I could barely walk from the bathroom to the sofa. The doctor warned me recovery after such a serious infection would take some time, but I expected to get better. Eventually, my health would improve.
And it did, a little. But while I started to feel stronger, I just couldn’t shake the constant crushing feeling of exhaustion. My limbs ached and it was difficult to stand for long periods of time. Walking any kind of distance would tire me out and I ended most days with a great deal of pain and discomfort in my head, neck and throat.
The week I was in hospital was the only time I actually stopped working. While all of my clients were incredibly understanding, I had to earn a living, so I was back responding to emails and updating social media accounts a few days after I arrived home. For the first 6-8 weeks, all I could manage was a few hours of work a day, usually from the comfort of my bed and always at the expense of being able to do anything else at all.
Although financially difficult, it turned out to be a fortunate stroke of serendipity that a few projects were downsized and even cancelled around this time {for reasons beyond my control and completely unrelated to my health}. When I found I needed to reduce my workload even more, I stopped blogging, limited what I was doing for The Wedding Reporter and gave up looking for new clients.
During the summer, my health seemed to improve. I started having more good days than bad and I finally felt like my energy levels were on the up. I wasn’t my old self, but I began to believe I might be turning a corner in terms of my recovery.
Sadly, the feeling was short-lived and as autumn arrived, I took a massive step backwards. I may look ‘healthy’ on the outside, but 90% of the time, I feel awful. The last 6 weeks have passed in a blur. I’m barely able to leave the house, it’s become harder to concentrate and there are times when I simply cannot get my thoughts in order at all.
I’ve known for a while that I’m probably suffering from post-viral fatigue, otherwise known as chronic fatigue syndrome or myalgic encephalomyelitis {CFS/ME}. Up until recently, I was under the care of Infectious Diseases at the hospital. Although I was very well looked after at the point of admission, support and understanding has been severely lacking in the weeks and months that followed.
I left most appointments on the verge of tears having been made to feel like my symptoms weren’t serious enough to warrant their concern. For the most part, the doctor seemed to believe that I should just suck it up and stop complaining.
At one appointment, when I tearfully explained that I often found myself unable to get out of bed, she suggested rest would only hinder my recovery. I was told repeatedly they could do nothing for me until I’d felt this way for at least 6 months, but at no point did she give me any practical advice about managing my symptoms in the meantime.
A week ago, driven by desperation, I made an appointment to see my GP. For the first time since all this began, a doctor actually listened to me and seemed to hear what I was saying. There’s no quick fix for what I’ve got, but just knowing someone cares about my recovery has already made a huge difference.
Although I’ve vaguely mentioned being unwell in blog posts and described some of my symptoms in the odd Instagram caption, I’ve been afraid to publicly acknowledge how sick I’ve been. I’m wary of scaring potential clients, appearing unprofessional or starting to sound like someone who does nothing but moan about their health.
But after 6 months of feeling ill every single day, I don’t think I have the energy to put on a brave face anymore. Life as I know it has been on hold since March and I’m not in a place yet where I’m able to accept this new normal.
In the interests of ending on a slightly more positive note, I’m incredibly grateful to those who’ve already reached out to me on social media or via email to share their own experiences, offer support, and urge me not to lose hope. Never underestimate the kindness of strangers on the internet.
Love Audrey xxx
Hey Lady,
Hang on in there. While I don’t know how this feels from personal experience, I do know how rotten serious ongoing health issues can be. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this but will cross my fingers that things begin to improve for you.
Love!
Kate
Thank you Kate xxx
Huge hugs to you Franky. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to carry on being a self-employed parent when you are suffering like this. I think we mostly completely take our health for granted, so it’s quite sobering to read your post and remember how quickly things can change. I really hope that things pick up for you soon, you are doing an amazing job to keep everything ticking along. Lots of love xxxxx
Thank you Helen. Yes, things can change in the blink of an eye and through no fault of our own. I’ve come to realise how much we all take our health for granted. It is what it is though. I’m sure I’ll be well again eventually. Thanks for the hugs xxx
Oh Franky, I just want to give you a big hug! I had an inkling from Instagram and Twitter over the past few months and as a fellow sufferer I definitely feel you. It’s so difficult and you pile a lot of guilt on yourself, especially when doctors don’t take it seriously. So many times I’ve forced myself into work because I haven’t felt that being tired is an excuse but it really is.
I hope your GP can help and even knowing someone is taking it seriously can give you a boost. The winter months are hardest in my opinion, but take all the time and care you need and listen to your body! xxx
Thanks Dani, I’m heading back to the GP this morning for more test results and to discuss my options. I think I’m with you on the winter months. I find them tough from a mental health perspective anyway, but my PVF symptoms are definitely worse at the moment too xxx
Oh Franky! So sorry to read this – it sounds like you’re going through a really tough time, especially with no medical support. CFS/ME is woefully badly understood and help for it is practically non-existent it seems unless you have a super understanding GP, which hopefully you do. I have no advice or help to offer unfortunately, I just wanted to say that I think you’re pretty amazing doing as much as you have managed to do – you’ve posted more frequently than me! 🙂 Sending a virtual hug and hope for some relief soon xx
Thanks for leaving some kind words and virtual hugs Anna, that’s just as good as advice or help in my book! xxx
So sorry to hear that you’ve been so ill. As you may know, I have M.E and it’s tough, especially in the early days. It sounds like you’ve been very fortunate to at least find a GP who listens and takes you seriously. Even if they can’t do anything to change the situation, having a medical professional who can be sympathetic makes a world of difference. I hope you’re able to get the rest and support that you need right now, which will give your body the best chance of improvement and/or recovery. And if you like, I’m more than happy to chat with you privately any time about my experiences with M.E and the things I’ve found helpful. Things will improve so just keep being kind to yourself.
Thank you Cathryn, I’m sorry to hear you struggle with M.E too. My GP was incredibly supportive last week, so I’m feeling a bit more optimistic about finding my way through all this. I may take you up on your offer at some point, I really appreciate it. xxx
Glad to hear that you’re getting some support and yes, feel free to get in touch any time. xx
‘But you look so good’…. the words that someone battling with a hidden illness has to hear so often. If only they could walk a day in your shoes.
The fact you are still managing, still solo parenting when Mr LA is away, still blogging, still working is a testament to your strength, that strength that is buried within you. You may not feel it at times but you are. Sending you so many hugs – Claire xx
Thank you Claire, I’m sending hugs your way too. You’re right about inner-strength, it’s just harder to find at times. xxx
Really sorry to see someone as usually vibrant as you knocked for six like this. I really hope you can get whatever help there is for this, I don’t know much about it but I do know that just my level of tiredness makes it hard to cope with life, and I don’t work, so you must be feeling beyond dreadful.
Lots of Love xxx
Thanks Charlie, it’s definitely been a challenging 6 months. xxx
Thank you for the cuddles m’dear, I’m cuddling you right back xxx
Dear Frankie/Mme L.A., I have had such pleasure in reading your posts ever since i discovered your blog, I am so sorry to hear you are ill. I truly sympathise, as I was a single working Mum for years, I didn’t have chronic fatigue but a couple of times was in hospital or sick and often felt very very tired. A couple of things that I have found very helpful when things are tough: Jamie Oliver’s thai style chicken soup. Guaranteed to fight off germs, strengthen weak ankles so you can tango again, and generally boost your immune system: put a whole chicken in a stock pot, whole head of garlic, whole piece of ginger (dont peel anything), a stick of lemon grass, a couple of tablespoons of tamarind paste, salt and pepper.(i think J.O. also put in a chilli or two) cover with cold water and cook on lowest gas possible for about five or six hours. this is a wonderful soup. also Eva Ibbotson’s novels – guaranteed to lift your spirits -my favourites are A Countess Below stairs and Magic Flutes. Georgette Heyer’s The Reluctant Widow, a spoof of nineteenth century Gothic novels, with a woman who’s ground down by poverty after her father dies, ending up owning an old house in Sussex, and finally getting a chance to sit down and read…very funny and cheering. G Heyer herself supported her family after her father died and later her husband by her writing. She was a trooper (that’s Aussie for good egg) and so are you, Frankie. A lot of famous women (and men) writers have written their way out of poverty and or/sickness. Look what Proust got done, paralysed with asthma! No defeat, no surrender! Best wishes for you and your family and your writing from the far side of the world, Emily
Emily, I’m sorry it’s taken me a while to reply to your lovely comment. It gave me a much needed boost when I first read it. ‘Be more Proust’ will be my new mantra! Thank you for taking the time to leave me such kind words of encouragement. xxx